Paul G. invited Philip and I to come spend the day at his house. Sundays have become the day to gather over there... And even though we've got too much to do to take a day off... we took a day off.

On the way to Baton Rouge I stopped in at Paradise Adult Video and dropped off two copies of MID-SUMMER DREAMS for Julius.

When we got to Paul's I was pleasantly surprised to see my friend Ann Marie! I first met her when she was 15, way back when I was 18. This was the time when I actually enjoyed going to gay bars... I saw her in the parking lot of (the now defunct) Xanthus and I ran out and said "you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen" and ran back into the bar. She sent one of her friends in to find me and we've been very close ever since. Ann Marie was the only person who was able to come see me graduate boot-camp at Great Lakes 40 miles North of Chicago! She is my angel. Anyway, she has lived out of state for several years and has only recently moved back to Louisiana. It was such a treat to see her, hug her, kiss her.

Gia eventually came over... and a few other people I don't know very well. But then one of my ex's showed up, and I was expecting him to come... but I can never expect how his presence will make me feel. Zane S. and I had a brief romantic thing several years ago... ending the weekend I went out to the GayVN porn awards the year AT TWILIGHT COME THE FLESH-EATERS was nominated (and lost everything to Kristen Bjorn... which is totally kewl, he's brilliant and has big bucks). Anyway, I can't explain why, because I'm not quite sure why, but Zane inspired such deep feelings in me that in many ways, he remains an unresolved issue for me. We've both moved on in our lives and we are civil... but I still feel deeply hurt whenever I think about him or hear about him or see him. It sucks because Paul wants so badly for all of his friends to just get along. And I want that, too.

So... seeing Zane sent me into a weird twilight zone for several hours before I could try to act normal again. I'm embarrassed because I always considered myself a fairly good actor! But when my heart is aching, I just can't act like it's not.

I eventually talked a little with Zane. It was nice to see him, to hug him (and feel that wet heat that his drug-induced dancing produces)... and of course ultimately it is reaffirming to see how vastly different and incompatible we are in all the practical ways. But part of my heart is stuck in a "but there was a special potential there... a wasted potential" mode. I guess so many instances in life qualify as such... By the way, Philip was very supportive and understanding of my plight. Yet again he proves to be the perfect boyfriend.

All-in-all I really enjoyed hanging out with Paul G. and his gang. We're all talking about driving to Austin, Texas to see Varla's movie GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS in a month. Hopefully Ann Marie and Zane will be able to join us. Hopefully my uneasiness will subside the more I hang out with Zane. I love being friendly with my ex's... it's so Merchant-Ivory.

:-)

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